Beating yourself up

When you move house, you think the big task is move day. That single day when all your boxed up belongings are picked up and then deposited in your new home. The mad scramble to find homes for your belonging. The time spent trying to figure out how things work. Online shopping to find the perfect furniture in your new rooms. Where do you put the ironing board? How does the alarm system work? Which dining table and chairs would suit your new dining room? 

By moving into a new house, you have just signed up to a list of jobs. Jobs that will take you days, weeks, months and probably years. A list of never-ending jobs.  

This weekend I ticked off a couple of those jobs. 

But last night and this morning, I didn’t feel happy and full of pride.  

Why would I not be proud and happy for ticking off these jobs? 

One problem is replaced by another 

Last weekend three pieces of flat-pack furniture were delivered. The two wardrobes went up fine. The bookcase, however, was a problem. Normally the two outer sides of the bookcases are mirror images of each other. I received two of the same side. The company had to post out the right part to me the following weekend. Once it arrived I could finish putting the bookcase together. It took me about an hour to put the bookcase together.  

The problem was, they didn’t just deliver the spare part, they delivered a whole new wardrobe. I have had a half-built wardrobe sat in my bedroom for a week, waiting for this part. I do now have a completed wardrobe. But I now have a whole wardrobe in my house that I can’t put together because of one incorrect part. And I can’t do anything about it. 

It just feels like one problem gets solved, then it is immediately replaced by another. 

One task completed turns into three new tasks 

I spent another four hours dismantling some fitted furniture in my son’s bedroom. There was a wardrobe, a desk, some drawers, and some shelving. The first job, take out the drawers. Next, figure out how it all fitted together. You see the wardrobe, drawers, desk, and shelves were all interconnected. I needed to figure out which bit to take off first and how to do that. 

I think that is why it took so long. I would undo a bunch of screws and try to remove that piece. If it didn’t work, I would try a few more screws. Trial and error. 

Eventually, I removed all the fitted furniture. Carted it downstairs and popped it in the back garden. Then I vacuumed the room. Then I moved the furniture round to suit the space. Then I called the wife to have a look. These were some of her comments: 

”looks like this room will need painting too” 

”is that wallpaper underneath? That will need stripping first.” 

”I think we need to replace the laminate floor with carpet” 

One job may get completed but three more pop up. 

The jobs still to be done 

Later on, we were having a drink and relaxing. We were chatting about the bookcase that was now sorted but not sorted. We talked about how my son’s room now looked a lot bigger with the fitted furniture removed. 

Conversation then moved to what we had already done downstairs. The ceilings were painted white. The walls were painted in different shades of grey. I had wallpapered the ’feature wall’ in the living room. We had ordered the new furniture we wanted. A new dining table and chairs. A sideboard. A TV cabinet. A nest of tables. A 3-seater sofa, armchair, and footstool. 

Then we focused on all the things we hadn’t finished off.  

The living room curtains weren’t quite wide enough. We had over shortened the strings in the header tape. Another set of curtains we’re slightly too long and needed taking up. The coving needed tidying up with white paint to make the edges nice a clean. And we hadn’t glossed the skirting boards yet. 

The conversation moved from positive and proud to negative and self-deprecating. 

It was merely two perspectives. Two different ways of looking at the same thing. To look at all thing tasks we had achieved or to look at all the tasks we had failed to do. 

We ended up ruminating over the tasks we had failed to do. And we beat ourselves up for it. 

Takeaways 

We humans are very good at looking at what is wrong with a situation. When what is wrong is your responsibility, you are very good at beating yourself up for it. 

When you solve one problem but then it is replaced by another, you beat yourself up. 

When you complete one task but it is then replaced by three more, you beat yourself up. 

When you focus on the tasks you have failed to do as opposed to those you have completed, you beat yourself up. 

You have one life. You are responsible for your happiness. Praise yourself for solving a problem. Praise yourself completing one task. Praise yourself for the list of tasks completed.