This weekend, the weather was lovely. Sunshine and blue sky. Ranging from 21 to 25 degrees Celsius. There was nothing much planned for the day. With three boys and nice weather, there is only one thing to do. Go to the park. To play football.
Getting to the football pitch at the park is a bit of a pain. There is a very steep hill to climb, with the football pitch at the top. You have to earn your right to go and play. It is even less fun pushing a pushchair. A pushchair with a heavy 2 and a half year old in it.
When we got to the top, we were slightly out of breath. But a lush green field lay before us. Nobody else on the pitch. It was still sunny. This pitch was all ours. There was only one problem. The metal football posts had been taken away. Presumably, because it was the end of the football season.
The obstacle
One son promptly sat down upset. In a strop. In a huff. In a grump.
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Well, that’s it. We can’t play without any goalposts.”
I don’t know if it is a generational thing, but I always remember playing football with bags and coats as goalposts. On the school playground or the school football field. You dumped your coat and bag and joined in the game. With enough people, goalposts could end up being six to eight-foot-wide. Perhaps nowadays there are more metal goalposts provided.
But the lack of goalposts was all my son could see. It was an obstacle. An obstacle he couldn’t see past. Without metal goalposts, there was no football. How could there possibly be football without goalposts?
So I told him to put his bag down as a goal post, and we would put the other bags down to. He didn’t seem happy with the solution. But I pushed him forward anyway. Once we started going, once he started kicking the ball, he seemed to forget all about the goalposts. Normal service resumed.
We can stop ourselves from moving forward when things aren’t perfect. When we don’t have the right tool for the job. All we can see is the problem. Not the end goal. There will be plenty of solutions, but none that fit the bill. None we are happy to compromise with. If the end goal is important enough to us, we will find a solution. However imperfect that solution maybe.
Can you ask?
About 10mins after being at the park a group of boys a similar age to my sons turned up at the park. They all had the same football kit on. They had just finished playing a Sunday league game and were keen to have a further kick about.
My sons turned around to me and wondered whether the new boys would let them join in. I suggested that the only way to find out would be to go and ask. We started walking towards the boys. Then one son stopped. He said not to bother. He said he was fine with just us playing football.
I knew my boys would have a better experience if they played with a group of boys their own age.
“I thought you wanted to play football with them?”
“You know I feel socially awkward and I struggle meeting new people. Can you ask?”
I stopped for a moment. My son was lacking the confidence to ask the boys himself. And was struggling to find the confidence to join in. He just needed a little encouragement. So I chose to ask the boys for him.
Thankfully they said, yes. My two boys joined in the game. The group exchanged names. It turned out there was one kid who they knew from school and football training, who vouched for them.
It took them a little while to settle down and get into the game. One son took a more defensive approach and hounded the more skilful players. He got nutmegged quite a few times, until he got the measure of them, then started taking the ball off the opposition. The other son sort of hung on the edge and didn’t really get involved initially. Then he started calling for the ball. Then he started passing. Then he started dribbling. Then he started shooting. Then he started scoring goals.
They both had a great time. In the end.
My son had a story he was telling himself.
“I feel socially awkward and I struggle meeting new people.”
This is what he was telling himself, so this is how he behaved.
If he changed the story slightly, he may have been able to ask the boys himself.
“I feel socially awkward and I struggle meeting new people. But I don’t let this stop me. I find the courage to face this so that I may do the things I want to do.”
If we tell ourselves stories that are negative or limiting, then they will have a negative or limiting impact on us. We will do what we tell ourselves we will do. We have to be careful about the stories we tell ourselves. Add a little more to the story. Make it empowering, not disempowering.
The wall
The group of boys eventually got bored and left. They moved on to something new around the park. Something that wasn’t football-related.
My sons were happy. They had enjoyed themselves. They had also done something that had been uncomfortable. And there is a sense of satisfaction. Fulfilment. Achievement. That comes from doing something that was uncomfortable.
They were in a good place and still happy to continue playing football.
The boys had been using the outside wall of an outbuilding as a goal. I taught them a game I remember playing as a kid. You had to kick the ball against the wall, but a specific section of the wall. If you missed, you received a point. The first person to 10 points loses. You could only touch the ball once when it was your turn.
You soon learned a few tricks that would make it difficult for the next person. If you kicked the ball really hard then the ball would be far away for the next person. They then had to kick it hard enough and accurate enough to hit the wall. The angle of the shot also had an impact. If you were right in front of the wall it was fine. But the further you went to the left or right if the section of the wall, the harder the shot got. You learned to start setting up the next person for a difficult shot.
In this game, it was inevitable that you would get at least a point. At some point, throughout the game, you were going to make a mistake. It was going to be a rare thing that someone was going to win without conceding a point. It wasn’t about not making a mistake. It was about making as few mistakes as possible. They learned as they went along. They would miss and then adjust. Trying not to make the same mistake again.
We are not perfect and life is not perfect. Along the way, we are going to make mistakes. If we accept that but make attempts to not make the same mistakes again, then maybe we can win the game longer term. Learn and adjust from mistakes in the short term to win in the long term.
Takeaways
In life, you are going to have goals. Sometimes you are going to stop seeing the goal and you are going to start seeing the obstacle. You are going to want the perfect solution. Most of the time, there isn’t one. Apply the best solution you can at the time, and keep moving forward. Don’t let the obstacle stop your momentum.
In life, you are going to have things you want to do. You are also going to fears and limiting beliefs. These are going to stop you from doing what you want to do. Tell yourself you are afraid, you will feel fear. Tell yourself you can’t do something, then you won’t do it. Tell yourself, you have the courage to overcome these, then you will overcome them. Be careful what story you tell yourself.
In life, you are going to have dreams. Things you wish to do long-term. Along the way, you are going to make mistakes. You are going to fail. You have a choice. Keep making the same mistakes over again, or, learn. Learn from your mistakes. Do things differently next time. Making a single mistake is not a problem. Making the same mistake repeatedly is the problem.
It’s amazing what you can notice, and go through, within one hour at the park.
If you are not careful, you can end up quitting at the first hurdle.
Footnotes
Simon Sinek has a story about a bagel and a queue of people which relates to the ‘obstacle’ problem.
You can listen to it here:
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