On our personal development journey, it can be easy to be driven by a hunger to succeed. That we must keep moving forward. A lot of motivational speaking talks about doing the daily grind. Getting up at 5am. To always have a goal. Never Settling.
With this mindset, it can become easy to think that happiness is something you have to work towards. Happiness is a goal you will achieve once you have the money you are after. Once you have the business you are after. Once you have to car or house you are after.
I am sorry to break this to you, but you can be happy now. If you pay attention to what you already have. And by the way, you don’t need to buy happiness. You can have it for free.
Turn up
The first part is turning up, physically. Let me explain.
This weekend my son got chickenpox. He didn’t suffer as bad as some children. But all he wanted to do was go in the back garden with his dad. Me. I am normally thinking of the list of jobs I need to do that day. Mow the lawn. Wash and iron the clothes. Fix the broken drain pipe. And it can be hard to switch that off. But he was ill.
My wife turned around to me and said “go in the back garden with him. Don’t worry. I’ll do some of the jobs”. And once I felt like I had permission, I could switch off and happily go in the garden.
It was weird. Once I felt I had permission, either from my wife or myself, to just go in the garden and not do any jobs, it was fine.
As parents, we want to give our kids all the exotic holidays. All the extra-curricular activities. All the opportunities we never had. But to be honest, that’s probably not what my kids will remember. They are most likely to remember that I was there. That I played with them. To be the best dad I could be that day, I just had to be there for him. In the garden.
To get the most out of what is important in our life, of what we already have, we just need to turn up. As a parent, be there when you need to be there. You don’t need to be there all the time. But there are times when you need to stop and be there. Similarly, if you are part of a club, society or gym, to get the most out of it, you need to physically turn up.
Be present
Once you have physically turned up, you need to mentally turn up. Again, let me explain.
Once in the garden with my son, it would be easy to pull out my mobile phone. Easy to get drawn into LinkedIn, Facebook or YouTube. Whilst I am there in the garden physically, mentally, I can easily be somewhere else. It can be difficult to bring your focus, your attention back to what is important. My son. And to bring your attention to the right time, the now.
Again, it is easy to allow the mind to wander off. Do I want a drink? Coffee may be nice. What’s for lunch? Ooh, there is leftover gammon from last night in the fridge. Is there something for dessert? No. But I can hear the ice cream van music, he mustn’t be far away.
When you catch your mind wandering, gently bring your focus and attention back to where it needs to be. For me, I needed to bring my attention back to my son. Right here and now.
This is the basis of mindfulness and meditation. Mindfulness
“Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally.”
Jon Kabat-Zinn
By paying attention to my son I could be there when he needed me. I could hold his hand as he went up and down the steps. I could pick him up when he fell. I could get his ball when it got stuck in the flower bed.
By being present we can pay attention to what is going on. If I was at a speaking club, I could pay attention to the speaker. I could actively listen to what they had to say. That means I can get the most from the situation. I can be in the position to act or react if I needed to.
Contribute
As well as physically turning up, and mentally being present we also need to contribute. Again, let me explain.
When in the garden with my son, I was there physically, I was present mentally and paying attention. I also needed to contribute. I needed to give something of myself. I needed to engage with him. I needed to share what I knew.
Now I am not talking about grand and complex things. I don’t mean sharing degree level mathematics with a two and a half-year-old.
My son picked a flower and looked at it. He then looked at me and said “flower”. I looked back at him and asked: “what colour is the flower?”. He replied, “eeerrr, pink?”. And I responded, “yes, pink flower”.
We had similar experiences around the garden with red spiders. An old deflated orange balloon. The water and sand tray. And a rugby ball that he said was ‘egg’ shaped.
We interacted. We engaged. I tested what he knew and I shared what I knew. The exchange wasn’t going to change the laws of physics, it wasn’t going to solve world peace or climate change. But I suppose that’s the point. The exchange isn’t about anyone else. The connection was between me and my son. And no-one else. I contributed what he could understand and respond to.
By contributing, by sharing what we know to others, we can build a connection. We can share knowledge, common causes or talk about a common interest. By sharing what we know, we can help others grow. They can learn, they can improve. And we could be part of that experience.
Takeaways
Happiness is not a destination. Happiness is the enjoyment of the journey. Enjoying where you are now. You already have what can make you happy, you just need to pay attention. Pay attention to what you already have.
Whatever it is that’s important to you, if you want to enjoy it, then you need to turn up physically. If it’s your kids, your wife, your friends, a book, a club or a society. You can only enjoy it if you turn up and be there. You don’t need to be there all the time, but be there regularly and consistently.
Whatever it is you want to enjoy, you need to be present. You need to focus your attention on the present. In the now. If someone is speaking to you or you are in the audience, pay attention. Put your phone down. Turn the TV off. Forget about your list of jobs for tomorrow or your work. Be present.
Whatever it is that is important to you, contribute. Give something of yourself. If you are sat having a meal with your wife, tell her about your day. Tell her about the exciting things you have been doing. You can connect and engage with others. If you are at a club or society, share what you know. Share your knowledge and experiences. You can then contribute to the growth of others.
Don’t forget, you already have everything to make you happy. You just need to pay it some attention.
Footnotes
Thank you to my friend Helen Tait for inspiring me to write this article.
You can learn a bit more about Mindfulness and Jon Kabat-Zinn here:
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